stitched up heart
“If you have been a fool by being proud or plotting evil, cover your mouth in shame. As the beating of cream yields butter and striking the nose causes bleeding, so stirring up anger causes quarrels.” Proverbs 30:32-33 (NLT).
The Amplified Bible further expands on verse 32 by stating, “If you have done foolishly in exalting yourself, or if you have thought evil, lay your hand upon your mouth.”
As I am following the SheReadsTruth group with reading Proverbs, this verse really speaks to me.
I realized yesterday that I’m keeping score in my relationships. Instead of being appreciative for what others do, I’m comparing what I do for them to what they do for me. I want things to be “equal.” I want to be treated fairly. And I used to not think this way or be this way. In fact, I’ve been told time and time again, that I’m too giving and self-sacrificing…
I think… No, I know why and how I’ve become this person. I’ve been hurt — betrayed — abandoned — taken advantage of — manipulated — and not considered, especially emotionally.
I’m protecting myself from being hurt, used, or even abused, again.
And as much as all of this makes sense to my human mind, I realize that it is not the way to live. In essence, I’ve closed off my heart. Or where there was an opening, a vulnerability, there is now a little scar.
And over time, I’m sure that I’ve amassed several scars. That’s why the picture of the stitched up heart really struck me. I’m sure my heart really looks like this one – a bit beaten up.
I don’t think you can go through life, if you are really living and loving, without getting any scars or places that you need to protect. Places that we may think need shielding.
So, then I read back over Proverbs 30 and saw this verse.
“Every word of God is pure, He is a shield to those who put their trust in Him.” (NKJV)
Yeah, that’s right. I’m shielding my own heart. Taking score. Remembering past hurts so that people don’t hurt me again.
I’m supposed to let God shield me … be my shield. Protect my heart, my life, and my soul.
Once again I am reminded of the power of God and this relationship that I am building with Him. I’m reminded of my sin, my errors, and my human frailty. And frankly, I’m reminded of how much I need God.
Last night in my church’s community group, we discussed the power of confessing.
“Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray [also] for one another, that you may be healed and restored [to a spiritual tone of mind and heart].” James 5:16 (AMP)
So I am confessing this fault of mine to all that read my blog. Please pray for me. Please pray that my heart can be spiritually healed and restored. [It feels so strange asking, but I know I need to ask and pray anyway.] Please pray that I am able to build a new community where I live in spite of my shortcomings. God knows that I feel alone because I moved and had to leave behind my community.
Hopefully, some of you will share your struggles at this time so I can pray for you too.
Wishing you hope, joy, and peace in God,
Linking up with my favorite online communities: Ann at The Holy Experience, Unwrapping His Promises (at Scribing the Journey), and Getting Down With Jesus!